MY BELOVED

You are gone but in my mind you live, and will live on

and on until I am gone, and probably long after.

Jet curly black hair.

How I loved to stroke your thick hair.

Long sensual fingers that used to massage me.

Gleeful childlike smile and innocent gestures.

I knew you the day we met.

I loved you the day we met.

I was ready for a friend.

Needing one, I looked into your heart and soul.

And I liked what I found there.

Naturally your body excited me as well.

But affection was as far as I let my touches

go for a long time.

In my fantasies much more was permitted.

There you loved me with your all.
kissed and touched me with unbridled passion.

You were much freer with your sensuality than your sexuality.

Your hugs were so welcomed when so many men want more.

Respectful and always the lady you never came on to me.

With each passing day our friendship grew.

We needed each other and reveled in that need.

You would never say you loved me but I know you did.

Having been raised with five brothers you could be one of the boys.

You had learned to be strong and tough when you were very young.

I cherished the times we wrestled.

Limbs entwined.

Romping in such a playful manner.

How sensual it was and uncomplicated!

The feel of your breath against my neck.

My face against your legs.

The sound of your heart against mine when you pinned me down.

I could never tell you I let you pin me down.

The grip of my hands on your taut, sexy hips, feigning effort

to break your grip; not wanting to break the pin

because I needed your closeness.

The times we sat on the bed, me holding you in my lap,

gently, lovingly stroking your hair, your neck,

your stomach, yearning to touch you lower, but restraining,

knowing it made you uncomfortable when I went that far.

For awhile I feared you might be gay.

But your heated response to my massages suggested otherwise.

Still, you made no efforts for more than heated sensuality.

It fascinated, intrigued and finally tormented me.

There were times I could not hold back

any longer and touched you anyhow.

Usually you said nothing, although your trembling

hands made me ache even more for you.

What made you hold back?

I was dying to know, but was too frightened to confront you.

I knew your father had died when you were ten.

Could that have affected your ability

to be physically intimate with men?

Sensuality and long massages and talks were wonderful,

but there were times when I ached for more.

The days passed.
I grew to love you more.
When your holding back became almost too much to bear,

I reminded myself that I asked God for a new friend when we met.

I had dated and known only emptiness and disappointment

Our love was special, different, but special and 

I could not sabotage it.

We had fun.

So much fun.

Sharing tales of our experiences in France.

Reading porno stories from a French magazine you brought back from Paris.

Exchanging dirty jokes.

Quoting French poetry.

Jogging together, pushing our bodies to their limits as we ran

mile after mile, panting and huffing the final laps, giving our all.

Snowball fights in December.

Drinking and smoking a little weed.
Then you let go a little.
Let me love you for one night as much as you could.

Not a good thing.

I wanted you even more after that.
Some days I felt like your brother.
Other days like your friend.
A few times like your boyfriend.

How to account for such complex relationships?

I had never had such a complicated relationship.
I had never been so in love either.

Never had I known such joy and ecstasy.

Never had I known such yearning and sorrow.

My friends told me you were probably a closet lesbian.

I should give up on you or at most just be your friend, and

go out and date other women.

But I could not bring myself to do that.

They did not have your sensitivity, your sensuality

your kindness and intelligence.

We could talk about any subject for hours and just get started.

I adored your mind and your passion for Philosophy and the world of ideas.

I loved to sit back and listen to your intellectual debates with friends.

And yes, with each passing day, I wanted to make love.

You dated a couple of guys, but nothing came of them.
I might have been better off had you fallen in love with another guy.

The way you grabbed and hugged me after a few days apart

revealed who you really loved.

Why wouldn’t you let go and love all of me?

Your eyes told me different stories than your inhibitions,

as did your body the times I excited it.

I could not get enough of you!

No matter how much torture,

ecstasy always followed.

Heated passion I have not since felt for anyone.

Trust and intimacy I had with no one else before or since.

My Beloved, you are gone now, and I miss our times.

Our precious moments, my friend, My Beloved, my Lover.

I don’t believe you’ve known such happiness since,

although I doubt you’d ever admit it.

It shows in your face.

You love your husband, but the magic we had lacks.

Don’t you how I can read your heart?

I see past the masquerade; the sadness and the smiles.

I would never ask you to leave him for me.

You never said you wanted to spend your life with me.

You once told me I was a god, too pure for earthly love.

I smiled and later wept as I wondered if I was doomed to

roam the earth all my days only living in dreams of

idealized love which can never be realized on the earth.

Perhaps this is why you never made love to me completely.

Perhaps I should treasure the purity of our higher love

which far transcended physical love.

I have never felt such magic, mystery and depth of love

and emotion as I did with you.

No physical experience can ever compare to that.

Perhaps true soul mates cannot fully relate on the earth?

I look at your photo and tears stream down my cheeks.

Memories fill my mind.

It is though I am touching you again.

I put the picture aside and walk away.

Girlfriends have come and gone, but you,

my Beloved, never leave my mind for long.

I suppose we would still be in contact,

if only I had not loved you so much.

ONCE MORE

Will you ever come back to me, sweet one?

I miss you!

The feel of your lips against mine.
Your sensual warmth.

The smell and softness of your curly black hair.

Your friendship.

Your phone calls.

Your caring and love.

I miss your soothing voice when I was sad.

Your ardent kisses.

Your taut, luscious body.

How I loved to touch you!

To watch you take showers.

To watch your fingers stroke the water

as it slid down you.

I want to touch you again,

your mind, soul, heart and body.

Poetry is beautiful but mere words

can be empty, lifeless, and lonely.
So cold!

How I loved it when you bade me be silent

when my nervousness sometimes led me to chatter.

Sometimes you would cover my mouth with yours.
Kisses speak their own fiery passionate language.

I miss our kisses.
Our laughter.

The childlike exploration of each other’s bodies.
The music you played as you undressed in pagan abandon,

and danced and caressed me, inviting me release

inhibitions and join you.

We danced naked in the moonlight and it was good.

We swerved to the music and lost ourselves in sensuality.
You gave me permission to not feel guilty.

I accepted it and moved accordingly.

Pleasure led us far past guilt or shame.

Then your love cries filled the air.

Filled my heart and soul.

My body tingling and gyrating all over.

I wanted you.

Needed you.

We joined and your love cries permeated the air,

until all I heard was the words pleasure and enjoy.

I did so and it was good.

Remember your twenty-sixth birthday?

I licked your feet for an hour after you soaked

in a nice herbal warm bath.

You said it was heaven on earth.

Is such possible?

Heaven?

A nice sounding word.

It stimulated me; touched a chord deep in my soul.
Made me want to become more than a mortal human.
Made me want to touch the wings of Immortality and Eternity.

Heaven!

I felt more than human.

I saw it in your eyes.

Divinity.

I was somehow a part of that thanks to you, sweet lady.

Your kisses swallowed my sorrow.
Made me forget sadness and despair.

You are not here now.

Gone.

Long gone.

If I call, will you hear me?

I do not know.

But I will try.

Come back to me, sweet lady.

Please give me your love once more.

A NEW START

Smoldering embers of love

soon to be extinguished by time.

Darkness clouds over our

moments joyous and sublime.

Our days apart are more frequent.

I am losing you I fear.

You are less captivated  by my presence.

Soon from my life you will disappear.

There is no reason for me to question

the reason you and I met.

All souls come together for a purpose.

There is nothing for us to regret.

You have helped heal a wound in my soul.

You said I offered you your first taste of sweet love.

Your lives will be happier now, says a voice

to me from realms above.

Embrace me tonight, my sweet one!

May we enjoy our last days of bliss.

When destiny separates our paths,

I will not be angry because of this.

Our farewell will be short.

A few tears will be shed.

I will miss your special smile,

and the sweet things you often said.

I will thank you for your gift;

and miss the sensual touch of your hands.

You made me feel important and able

my fear to love to withstand.

At last my heart has opened

to experience Love’s delights.

My spirit has been released

from the imprisonment to the night.

In your arms where I rested often

my fears began to melt.

When I gazed into your intense eyes,

deep stirrings of passion I felt.

You whispered softly before we met.

In dreams you spoke to my soul.

Soon I will see you in mortal form, you said.

I will help you to become whole.

This dream did come to pass

as I knew deep inside it would.

When you appeared to me that day,

I recognized you from where I stood.

Upon our first glance much I knew about you.

I conveyed my thoughts through poetic rhyme.

Your eyes told me we were not strangers;

that we had loved in another place and time.

Charmed and wooed by you was I.
Thoughtful gifts you presented to me.

Such a kind soul you were

who treated me kindly and respectfully.

Such attention I had never known.

This kindness I had not received before.

You took me on magic journeys

where adventure lay behind every door.

Your impulsive whims were so pleasing.

Your graceful steps made me want to dance.

Your touch filled me with ecstatic tingles.

I was swept away by this romance.

Time stopped when we made love intensely.

The sun and moon both whispered our names.

Bids sang of our love so sweetly.

Never so bright had been Love’s flame.

These are my cherished memories, sweet maiden.

In my heart they shall never fade or grow old.

I shall take nurturing from them far past tomorrow,

long after your love for me has grown cold.

If my intuition is correct I beseech you,

to walk away from me when you must.

I do not demand anything from you.

You will follow your heart I trust.

The only thing I wish for you

Is your happiness and peace of mind.

Be gentle with yourself and others.

Stay loving, tender and kind.

I will say goodbye fondly when you go.

Noble lady who helped heal my heart.

I believe you shall remember this knight

whose life you helped give a new start.

ANONYMOUS NEIGHBOR

Perchance did I look out my window last night

as I have done countless times to visit you

in your house opposite mine.

You were moving!

Bare walls.

Where would you take your Pulp Fiction Poster

that had covered a large portion of your bedroom wall?

Each time I looked at it through your big curtain-less

window when I would take my walk,

I wanted to see the movie to see what had inspired

you to cover your wall with a permanent memory.

I went to my kitchen for a drink of water.

When I glanced out my bedroom window again,

you were taking down your bed.

No more would I see you reading; watch your feet and

toes dangle in sensual complacency as you

shifted your positions periodically.

No more could I watch you fold your laundry

on your bed or change your sheets.

I had all your favorite colors memorized.

A man was helping you carry boxes from your room.

Was he your boyfriend, or perhaps your brother? I wondered.

Anonymous Neighbor!

You, who I did not know, yet I did know you.

A sense of sadness and emptiness came over me to

realize that you were leaving, and that I

would never see you again.

You, who, I had so many nightly visits with.

You, who I had come to love!

By watching your gestures and movements I learned so much about you.

Sweet Neighbor, who I never met in person.

We never exchanged words;

Never shared dreams, stories, or jokes.

On more than one occasion I yearned

to come over and speak to you.

When I learned a new joke I wanted to share it with you.

I wanted to offer you the hand of friendship and

invite you to share a glass of wine or a beer.

No, we did not speak words but I am convinced

we made contact.
Our souls communicated through our

occasional eye contact.

I almost waved a few times, but my heart quivered

so much that I did not risk disturbing you.

Anonymous Neighbor!

I felt close to you.

To look into your window and see you

warmed my heart and soothed my loneliness.

Sometimes when you were writing on your computer,

I would imagine that you were writing me

poetry or a love letter.

Some nights your writing would keep you

up until the wee hours of the morn.

How in love she is, I’d marvel. 

She has so much to tell her sweetheart that even

slumber cannot distract her.

As different colors lit up your computer screen,
I’d imagine graphic hearts of red and other

designs as the colors flickered, giving your room

the appearance of a magical kingdom.

So many things I took note of.

Your walks with your golden retriever.

You did not keep him on a leash.

You were a loyal and good mommie to him;

so many nights taking him for those small

walks and nature breaks.

I could almost feel your kindness and tenderness

when you pet and hugged your dog close to your face.

Slurping kisses and merriment as woman

and her dog wrestled and frolicked.

How I longed for a hug from you and

often imagined you giving me one.

Many nights when I could not sleep,

I would write a story or poem.
When I needed a break, I’d look out

my window and very often you were

writing as well.

I smiled, feeling close to you.

I saw the gleeful smile on your face one day

as you held a small baby while a woman

retrieved some things from her car.
You cradled the baby to

your breast with much tenderness and affection.

So moved was I that I penned a poem

called “The woman becomes a mother.”

The baby licked your face, slobbered on you and giggled.

You snickered and kissed his tiny cheek as you held him closely.

What a gentle sensitive lover you must be, I thought.

I noticed other things!

Each new hairdo did not pass me by.

I recognized each new blouse or pair of slacks you wore.

How you folded your laundry with such care and

made your bed every day.

The next day you carried old cushions outside and

placed them on the corner curb.

I wondered what thoughts and realizations

came to you on that couch.

How many books did you read lounging on that couch?

How much comfort did you receive in the arms of your

boyfriend on that couch?

I only saw you snuggling with a man three times

the entire year I loved you.

I was grateful I did not have to share you most nights.

Most nights you came home alone.

Many times I viewed your beautiful body, semi-nude,

towel wrapped around you after taking your shower.

How I wished that once you would drop that towel.

I admit it, Anonymous Neighbor, I was in love with you.
We never spoke yet I knew you so well.

You never called me yet, I spoke to you softly many

nights from my window those late hours at night.

A few times when you looked in my direction,

I wondered if you had mentally received my thoughts.

I look again.

You bring your TV and put it in the car.

You fill the left side with clothes.

My sweet Anonymous Neighbor,

you are about to exit my life, and I am very

sad that you will be gone.

You remind me of myself just a few years ago

when I was a college student, moving often

from one place to the next.

When I would pack my belongings and dreams

then open the book of life to its next chapter.

I wonder what the next chapter of your life will be?

I hope it is all you wish for.

Why?

Because I care for you, Anonymous Neighbor, and I

will miss you so much.

I walk away from my window unable to watch

you load your final belongings, and me,

wondering where you will go and what will

become of you.

When the car is loaded, you sit on the porch.

Your neighbor from the first floor comes out

and sits in the swing.

You get up and sit beside him.

I watch your lips, wondering what you are saying.

Are you reminiscing?

Speaking of future plans?

Speaking of things finished or unfinished?

Endings make me so sad.

I hope your new beginnings are good.

My sweet Anonymous Neighbor, I will never forget you.

 

A time later you get up.

You hug the man then head to the car.

Moments later you drive away.

My head bowed low, I walk away from my window,

tears streaming down my face.